Friday, December 16, 2011

A very long delayed post...

I apologize for taking so long to write another post, but I have been wandering the dark forrest of denial and sin. I have been looking in all the wrong places so that I might find relief from the pain of being away from where I truly belong and from the one I truly belong with.  I have once again wandered down that dark path looking for relief and I have not found it.  I have looked in the bottom of a bottle, the bed of a man, the blade of a knife and none of it has brought me even temporary relief.  In fact, all of it has made the longing much worse.  I remember when I was younger I could drink and dance and go to bed with men and it took away my pain and I found solace in those things.  Now I have built a relationship with a man who loves me more than any other ever could.  I have found true love and have allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable in front of him and there is no going back.  I stand naked, stripped bear in front of him and he embraces me and heals my wounds.  He has seduced me and ruined me for all others.  Having been seduced and having given myself to him there is no comfort, no relief from the pain, the longing of not being with him.  I have tried and tried and tried to deny where my home is, where I belong, and who I love with all my being.  I have turned everywhere and gone down every path to run from him.  I have tried to escape, but my heart will not let me; it is always calling out to him, begging him to come and find me, begging him to not ever go, to never leave the house we share.  Still I run though, afraid that I may never be truly his and that what I feel in my heart, in the depths of my soul may never be realized.  I have lapsed into almost every old habit that kept me away from God and His love, the kept me disconnected from Him.  Now, after opening myself fully, to him I cannot run and I cannot hide.  He is everywhere.  He is the air I breathe, the words I speak, the sun that warms me and the wind that chills me.  I am so very broken that only He can heal me.  The words from mass, "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the words and my soul shall be healed." repeat over and over again in my heart and every time I hear them my heart swells and I can feel the longing in my soul for him to enter.  There is no love greater and no lover better than he.  All others pale in comparison.  I have finally found the love I have always longed for, yet I run from it.  Now it is time that I run back to it and to him and let him heel my soul and allow his mother to make me ready for the day when I am his bride.

In Christ our life,

Thomas Catherine