Sunday, September 28, 2014

Losing Myself and Finding God Again

First and foremost my most sincere apologies for the extremely long absence from here.

In the time that I have spent away from here I have been away from what I love most of all and posting here only served to remind me of what I was denying myself.

Since I last wrote my father was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia, I had lost everything that I thought I loved, gotten it back, and lost it again. I have lost friends, thrown away relationships, tried to destroy myself and and my soul. I have thrown my time away traveling down a very dark path and most of the time I ran down it trying everything get myself away from God and His watchful and caring gaze. I wanted to destroy everything good about me, I wanted to destroy my soul, I wanted to destroy everything that made me care about other people, I wanted to stop feeling, but most of all I wanted to not hurt anymore. The further I turned away from God the more I hurt, the lonelier I felt and the more I wanted to be alone, and the more pain I inflicted on myself and others. I pushed so many people away because I didn't want anyone seeing what I was doing, I did not want to be held accountable to anyone or any deity. The interesting thing about all of that is I desperately wanted someone to see how much I hurt, to see what I was trying to do; I felt as though no one cared about me because I did not care about myself and that thought ran through my mind constantly.  I doubted God's divine love and mercy, because after all if even my parents and family don't love me or care about me why would God.  I ended up losing my community because I walked away from it, I ended up being stripped of everything and everyone not because God took them, but because I walked away. I found myself at the edge of a cliff staring down into the abyss below me.  I looked down into that inky, black water below filled with the souls of those it had swept away before and wondered if that was my ultimate end.  Was I destined to be swallowed? Was I meant to float a long aimlessly and feeling the acute pain of the absence of God for eternity? As I watched those would floating below with looks of hopelessness float by I felt as though that was where I belonged and what I deserved. I did not believe that I deserved God's lover or His mercy. I believed that my sins were so grave and so harmful that I had lost my chance at eternal life. I had nothing and nowhere and no one to turn to and so I jumped. As I fell I felt the depression over take me and the suicide became my constant thought. 

I spent a year spiraling down into the depths of depression and pondering suicide daily. I could see no other way out, I could see no end to the pain, I could see no light at the end of the tunnel and so I made plans day after how I would kill myself, I waited for the river to swallow me and sweep me away. The problem though was even though I thought I had lost my faith and even though I wanted to believe there was no other way out there was. God was always there, He never left me, He slowed my fall into the river and even in the river he was always on the banks ready to pull me out and save me from drowning and being swept away. God was always by my side, always in my head whispering that there is another way, another option. Eventually, though I tried ever so hard not to, I started letting Him in. I started going to mass and confession every week, but I kept sliding back into the river and still God stayed and was there keeping me from being swallowed. 

Not long ago I had an opportunity get away and to breathe deep. I took a week off to see a friend of mine who lives far from me and someone who I knew would push me in the right direction, who is strong enough to handle my worst. I spent a week crying myself to sleep, letting everything I had pushed down and tried to run away from hit me. I spent a week slowly getting a little better and stronger every day. I spent a week in a place that was truly beautiful, where the beauty of God's creation was everywhere I looked. While I was there I could not avoid God or his creation. God surrounded me and wrapped me in His embrace and I cried in His arms as I tried to push Him away, but He never let me go. He held me close the entire time and let me rant and cry and fight Him, but He never let go. In the mornings I got up and sat outside admiring the mountains and praying the rosary and I let God in a little more. I cried through every decade and I felt better every time. I opened the door to God again and started slowly letting Him back in to His rightful place. Finally I just let Him hold me close and let exhaustion set in and stopped fighting and just cried. When I went on vacation I was a hot mess, infact to call me a hot mess would be an insult to hot messes; when I came home I was just a mess.

Since coming home I have started going to daily mass and doing morning prayer. I have been going to confession weekly and praying at night. I have started reading again. While wondering through the desert I pushed everything and everyone away. I forgot that I need people, I need a community because that is how He knit me. While I am not where I need to be I am far better than I was. My depression has pretty much lifted, I cut once after I got back, my suicidal thoughts are almost gone, I fell happiness and joy again, I feel serenity, I am excited to go to mass and take communion, confession is not anxiety inducing, I've gone back to my community, and I'm moving forward. I have made some very good progress and am going forward. Please pray for me and my progress and that I will online in my journey.

Yours in Christ,

Thomas Catherine

1 comment:

  1. Jesus loves you Catherine :-)
    May God help us to fall in love with us again.