Saturday, November 5, 2011

After a long hiatus

Sorry that I have been gone for so long.  My life has been rather complicated as of late.  So lets start at the beginning, a very good place to start...

About the middle of October my dad told me that he had been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia.  He told me he had about a year before he lost his memory and three years before he died.  I was devastated.  I have been spending as much time as possible with him since I found out.  I have cried and prayed and cried and gotten mad at God and yelled and isolated and stopped really praying.  Well, I found out that ne never had dementia.  That he had told me that so I would spend more time with him, my stepmom and her family.  Now I don't spend time with them because they demean me, treat me like a servant, cuss me out, and in general treat me like less than a human.

In the middle of the dad thing my great aunt died.  Another reason to be mad at God.

Now that the truth about my dad has come out.  I've been working on my prayer life and spiritual life again.  I've started going to daily mass again, sleeping again, praying.  I'm going to start discerning again.  Through all of this I've turned to God on and off.  I've turned to my friends and found them lacking.  I turned to my old life and found it seriously lacking.  I tried dating boys, but each and every time my heart called out for God and for where He has called me to.  I long for the monastery and for the nuns and for the silence and days spent in prayer.  Now to return to the practices that will lead me to where He has called me; to return to the one who never left me, who truly loves me and had called me to His and His alone.  Oh how I have missed my love!  When I leave Him my heart is empty and my soul cries out for His touch.  No wonder no man, no thing, no drink, no drug could ever fill me, could ever touch me.  The love of God is overwhelming.  His love encompasses me and wraps me up and fills me with a joy and warmth that I have never known.  How I long to be joined with Him.  My Lord, my love when will we be one?  When will I finally be with you and be only yours?  Oh Lord how I long for that day when I profess my love for you and become your bride.

In Christ our life,

Thomas Catherine

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