Monday, November 14, 2011

Dominican Laity? For now. Perfect solution? Possibly. Am I worthy to be His? No, but yes.

So I'm still reading Chastity, Poverty, and Obedience.  I'm slowly getting through it.  I also got the rest of my books in the mail and will be going through them.

So today I went to the 11a mass at the Dominican priory near where I live.  I got to finally introduce myself to one of the lay Dominicans that I see at daily mass all the time.  I asked him about joining the laity and he introduced me to the novice misstress.  I talked to her for a bit and to him and learned the basics about the laity and how it works and the formation process.  I think, for now, I'm going to join the laity.  That way I'll have a support group and still be part of the Dominican family and that is a family I desperately want to be a part of.  While being laity isn't the same as being a nun, it is something.  Today at mass they admitted a candidate into the laity.  Watching that reminded me so much of where I long to be.  The formation process for the laity is very similar to the formation process for the friars.  I want to be in formation in a monastery.  For now though I will be a lay Dominican.  As Sr. Maureen told me at the monastery I have long winding road ahead of me and this seems to be a part of it.  I talked to my spiritual director on the phone today.  I'm trying to set up a time to have a long, serious talk with him about where everything is going.  I long for my sisters everyday, I long for the monastery.  I feel in my heart that I am called to be with nuns, but that seems to be stalled in real life.  So I'm going to sit down with mea carissmi and see if we can figure this out together.

I love my crucified Christ so very much and I long to be with Him, to be His bride.  I wonder though am I worthy of Him, worthy to be His bride?  How can I ever be worthy of such an honor?  How can any of us ever be worthy of His love?  We are flawed sinners who hurt Him everyday with our foolish disregard for His calls to us, with our sins.  There is not one among us who is worthy of His love, His grace, His mercy, His presence in our lives.  We can never be worthy of what He is offering us.  Yet He still offers all of this to us.  By choosing to accept His gifts we are saying that we will do all we can to try and become worthy.  Often times we fall short.  We don't go to mass, we don't pray, we don't give him time in our daily lives, we sin.  However He does expect us to be perfect, He does not expect that we will ever obtain perfection while we live in our earthly bodies.  All He is asks is that we try, it's progress not perfection as they say in AA.  I long for my love and one day I know that I will be with Him, I will be espoused to Him even though I will never be worthy of being His bride.  My love for Him, my obedience, my working towards being worthy are all that He wants from me, from anyone.  My Lord asks only one thing from me: He asks only for my heart and I gladly give that to Him.  I love you My Lord, my creator, my love.  You are everything I have, that I am and that I will ever be.  "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written / The days that were ordained for me, / When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16).  Christ knows all of my flaws, strengths, weaknesses.  He knows all of my pain and suffering and struggles.  He suffers with me and so I am honored to suffer so that I may just a small portion of what He went through.  He loves me when I fall and when I get back.  He loves no matter what I do.  I am but a useless servant who gives her master no return on His investment and He still loves me because I love Him.  He knows I can never leave for He has my heart and I am intimately connected to Him.  His love flows through me and fills me.  There is nothing greater.

In Christ our life,

Thomas Catherine

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